Give Me A Job

Please see my resume below.  Thank you.

 

William A Jackson
25 Main St., Lemonburg, NJ 01234
201-555-PUNK Email: waj@williamist.pez

OBJECT:           Calamitician

SUMMARY:      f(S’/s)S ≅S (+) s prophetic years monkeying around with calamity and calamity-related industries, both in and around – often through – the bounds of the “law”.

SKILLS:

Salutary:             Structured diffusive adhesive lunaticking and sundry superfluous opulence unreconstructionism for Fortune 500 Company.

Training:             Authored manual for buttress preponderance at start-up sommelier academy in Hoboken, NJ.

Supervisory:       Supervised casting couch activities for non-fraternity, non-union customer contact whipping boy falsehood mouthpiece.  Maintained strict metrics for developing faux-incompetence POC employees vis-a-vis piss = rain.  Assured full and thorough compliance with local and federal sexual harassment law at all levels of development and service.

Pugilism:            Was responsible for punching rogue personalities in the throat to maintain required 350% efficiency levels during peak hours of midnight to midnight Monday through the following Thursday of each week.

Hole Filler:         All needs met for all jobs utilizing natural and developed skills in fantasticism and amazitude.


CHARITY:         I maintain a Harry Potter blog for people suffering from Alpha Lipoic Acid Deficiency

EXPERIENCE:    LI’L PORK CHOP DOODADS, Happyville, PA
                                  Purveyor of Thrift Americana Imports
                                  Williamist Cum Laude

                                  WE LOVE YOU, INC, Alligator Rape, FL
                                  Flag Manufacturer
                                  Troop Supportist (Passive, non-hazardous division)

EDUCATION:     University of America
                                  School of Relative Hard Knocks, Scarsdale Campus


HOBBIES:           Fungo like a motherfucker.