Space Kicks Ass

Ok, this is some lazy-ass shit.  But I haven't posted in a while.  Enjoy.  (Or not.)

    Magnifico Flores stood on the bridge of Lucy’s Nose, waiting for thematic resurgence.  The waves lapped at the exposed hull, portending mutations if the doctor were to be unsuccessful in his research.  Communications channels open, Captain Flores addressed his adversary.

    “With all due respect, you honor,” Magnifico said, “you used loaded dice.  I demand the immediate return of Crewman Cubby’s Pee Wee Reese baseball card.”

    A serpentine voice answered.  “The noted Captain Flores.  We have heard much of the adventures of you and your fellow humans.  We are unimpressed with your ‘love’, ‘sacrifice’, and ‘fair play’.  You are visitors here and must abide by our custom.  The baseball card was acquired properly under the interstellar laws governing this sector.  There are no backsies.  Your Crewman Cubby is nothing more than a crybaby.”

    “He’s eleven.”

    “I know not what human age has to do with the softness and guilelessness of your subordinates,” the Lizard Ambassador said.

    Magnifico pressed the mute button on the communications panel and turned to Lieutenant Frogsworth.  “Ready the phallicanons, sporto.”  The officer unzipped his pants and left the bridge.

    Magnifico pressed the mute button again.  “Ambassador Sssssssszzz blah blah, your attitude in ungracious at best.  It is outright illegal at worst.  My reading of The Zzxxykkyysstttss Contracto Grando Pip Pip Treaty indicates that you must show a good-faith belief of commonence ergo groundicon with regard to Crewman Cubby’s relative maturity on the Zzxxykkyysstttss Cowboy Scale.  It is obvious that Crewman Cubby does not meet this criterion.”

    “So?”

    “So?”  Magnifico paced the bridge of Lucy’s Nose in agitation.  “I will fuck your shit up, dinoboy!”

    “Ah,” the Lizard Man said, “this is that ‘love’ power I’ve heard about from the Milpron Trangigouts.”

    “Something like that,” Magnifico said.  “Bend over.”  He hit a switch on the communications panel.  “Froggy!”

    “Yes Captain,” came Lieutenant Frogsworth’s voice.

    “Fire the phallicanons!”

    White hot plasma fired from Lucy’s undercarriage, destroying the Lizard ship.  An external arm on the side of Lucy’s Nose grabbed the baseball card and some surrounding debris, floating free in space, and pulled it inside the ship.  Captain Flores woke Crewman Cubby up from his nap and accompanied him to the hangar where the card had been pulled in.  Cubby ran over to the pile of debris, lifted Ambassador Sssssssszzz’s decapitated head off of the card, wiped the blood off the card on his shirt and then threw the head into the soup pot that was kept nearby for just such an occurrence.  “Thank you, Magnifico,” Crewman Cubby said.

    “You’re welcome, Crewman Cubby,” Magnifico said.  “But please, no more playing the ponies.”

    “You betcha,” Crewman Cubby said.  “Gambling’s bad.  I know that now.”