Suggestions For Performance Art Pieces

1. In a paying venue with a stage, beat the shit out of a second performer until someone in the audience physically stops you. At some point, when the second performer appears to be in need of medical help, announce – directly to the audience – “I am going to murder this human being if I am not literally physically prevented from doing so!”
   
   I give it a 50/50 shot you’ll be on trial for murder. But no worries. You’re protected by the First Amendment, as your art is free speech. You may have to wait in jail during your trial, however. But hey, sometimes you need to be willing to suffer for your art.
2. Wear a three-piece suit. Spin until you throw up.
3. Find a high end venue, maybe a charity situation. Show the audience a baloney. Explain to them that people eat this. It will take some convincing as they’ve never seen a baloney before and cannot imagine how or even that anyone would consume it. When they finally do believe you, laugh and say, “no, I’m kidding. This is really a gun.” (They have never seen a gun either.)
   
   Point the baloney at someone and yell “BANG!”
   
   Laugh as patron suffers a heart attack.
4. Using a whiteboard, explain arbitrage.
5. Distribute sheets of plastic to first few rows of audience like they are attending a Gallagher performance. Remove your pants and sit on a stool at front of stage. Masturbate. When your ejaculate fails to actually reach the audience, remark, “last night’s audience was better.”
6. Attempt to auction a black child. If anyone plays along, shoot them with a blunderbuss.
7. Pour gasoline all around the room, taking special care to pour gasoline near audience’s feet. Block all exits and doors, with chains when necessary. Pull out a box of safety matches.
   
   See if anyone moves. They won’t. Remove a match.
   
   See if anyone movies. They won’t. Light the venue on fire and laugh hysterically.
   
   Suffer for your art.
8. Breakdance to Chopin.
   
9. Sit on a stool facing audience. Stare uncomfortably at audience and cry for thirty minutes.
   
   Leave stage.
   
   Outside of venue in an area the exiting patrons will have to pass, create original artwork for working class people on the street for free.
   
   When a patron asks you to draw something for him, tell him to suck your dick.
10. Throw eggs at audience while screaming, “I hate you! No, I’m fucking serious. You’re why the world sucks.”
11. Ask audience member up onto stage and ask for a dollar. Accept dollar and place in your pocket. Wait for audience member to return to his seat.
    
    Ask a second audience member up onto stage and ask for five dollars. Accept money and place in your pocket. Wait for audience member to return to his seat.
    
    Continue, increasing to ten dollars, twenty dollars, fifty dollars, one hundred dollars, and then double amount from there until the audience finally refuses to give you any more money.
    
    Storm off stage in contempt and state, “you bourgeois assholes don’t deserve my art.”
    
    Go outside and use money to pay neighborhood kids to beat up the audience members as they leave venue.
12. Eat a box of crayons and then make out with a clown.