Road Picture

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

DAVID WILL, a 72 year old man in good health....portrayed by Adam West
WILL DAVID, another 72 year old man in good health....portrayed by William Shatner
JEFF DAVID, Will David’s 45 year old son....portrayed by Alec Baldwin
HAP PICKELTON, Jeff’s lover....portrayed by Zach Galifianakis
LIZ STEVENS, David Will’s younger girlfriend....portrayed by Wanda Sykes
SUZIE WILKINS, a truck stop waitress and single mother....portrayed by Holly Hunter
A TALL WOMAN, a tall woman....portrayed by Allison Janney
PAUL ROBESON, Paul Robeson in a flashback sequence....portrayed by Rush Limbaugh
THE GHOST OF ANNE BOLEYN, the ghost of Anne Boleyn....portrayed by Megan Fox
THE DEVIL....portrayed by Bob Newhart
ACTOR #1, an actor in The Three Stooges Revival Tour....portrayed by James Earl Jones
ACTOR #2, an actor in The Three Stooges Revival Tour....portrayed by Brian Blessed
ACTOR #3, an actor in The Three Stooges Revival Tour....portrayed by John Rhys-Davies
FATHER DANNY, a priest....portrayed by Danny Trejo
JOSEPH WILL, David Will’s recently deceased son....portrayed by David Blaine
BILL MURRAY, Bill Murray....portrayed by Bill Murray

(Note: All of Mr. Murray’s lines will be improvised.)

ACT I

Scene One

(A city street in Manhattan. Center stage is a store front for “Arlo’s Buttonry”. The store window’s are covered by security shutters and a sign on the shutters reads, “Out of Business”. DAVID WILL and WILL DAVID enter, stage left, and pause, dejected upon being confronted by the state of the store.)

DAVID WILL: Will ya look at that my lifelong friend Will David, with whom I’ve shared enormous adventures and loyal friendship for more than a half-century, a local Buttoner cannot even survive these days.

WILL DAVID: Yes David Will, whom I met in grade school and initially spent much time with because of the odd palindromic nature of our names, now where will we pass our early mornings?

DAVID WILL: Oh Will, did I mention? My son passed away last night.

(Will David hugs David Will.)

WILL DAVID: Oh David, I’m sorry. That is tragically unfunny.

(The sound of an automobile skidding to a short stop and its door opening and slamming again can be heard off stage. Liz Stevens enters, stage left.)

DAVID WILL: Look. Here comes my younger girlfriend, Liz, to comfort me.

WILL DAVID: You two should be alone.

(Passing Liz on his way off stage, Will David pinches her ass and he and David Will smile at each other. Liz is angry at David Will.)

LIZ: You think that shit’s funny, don’t you. How you gonna let your creepy friend grab your girl. That shit ain’t cute just cuz he’s an old man. For all I know, he’s been doing that his whole life and if he was twenty-five you’d’ve knocked his teeth out. Creepy-ass retired rapist club you got here.

DAVID WILL: Hey, cut the guy a break. My son just died.

LIZ: Now what the Hell is that supposed to mean? Nevermind. Look, I couldn’t book your flight. You’re on that no-fly list, so you’re gonna be taking the bus.

(Will David enters again, stage left.)

WILL DAVID: I just heard that you can’t fly, David. No friend of mine is taking the bus. We shall drive there in my classic convertible automobile, you and I.

DAVID WILL: That is a fantastic idea. Why didn’t I think of that immediately. We can get to Chicago well before the funeral in three days.

(The three begin to head off stage.)

LIZ: Just don’t you two go getting yourselves killed acting like crazy college kids, cuz you know you’re fuckin’ hips are just gonna break and then I’m gonna have to come pick your asses up and that ain’t happening.

CURTAIN