Grandma's Homemade Corn Flakes

Ah, there’s nothing like homemade corn flakes. I know most people have only had store bought, and that’s a shame. My grandmother used to say, “don’t eat the corn flakes from the store, that’s where the government puts the AIDS.”

If you’ve never had them, here is a simple recipe you can whip up in just a few minute.

You’ll need:

4 large ears of corn
2 quarts of canola oil
1 quart of cooking sherry
5 apple skins
2 eggs
2 cups of sifted peanut dust
1 cup of nutmeg
1 stalk of sugar cane
1 gallon of high fructose corn syrup
a centrifuge
a hammer or mallet
a low gauge hypodermic needle

1. Husk the corn and save the husks. You’ll need them later.
2. Boil the corn in 4 quarts of water for 30 minutes
3. Add cooking sherry and apple skins and reduce to medium heat. Continue boiling for 20 minutes
4. Hold corn cobs over a mixing bowl and remove kernels with a straight razor
5. Peel the individual kernels by pressing them between your thumb and a toothpick in between your index and middle fingers
6. Scramble the eggs, adding in nutmeg and peanut dust
7. Pour over corn kernels and mix and let sit for 1 hour
8. While the kernels are setting, cut the sugar cane into small pieces and push them through a garlic press and then boil in a gallon of high fructose corn syrup
9. Place melted sugar cane/corn syrup mixture into a centrifuge and then skim off liquid sugar. Put the corn syrup aside, you’ll use that later
10. Pour into mixing bowl with corn kernel mixture and stir until consistent
11. Spread mixture out on a greased cookie sheet and cover with the corn husks
12. Bake in oven pre-heated to 350 degrees for 25 minutes
13. Remove from oven and allow to cool for 9 hours
14. Using a hammer or mallet, bang on the corn husks until they loosen and the mixture breaks up into discernible flake shapes
15. Deep fry the corn flakes in canola oil for 10 minutes
16. Place flakes in a single layer on paper towels to cool and dry

Your cornflakes should be ready to eat in just a few hours.

For dessert, use the hypodermic needle to inject the leftover corn syrup directly into your heart.