Epistle

You know, I don't read or write much, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do when you have to do it or it doesn't get done, and then where the hell are you?  So, to put my mouth where my mouth is, I'm posting this letter I recently had to send regarding a disappointing product.

William A Jackson
25 Main St.
Lemonburg, NJ 01234


April 31, 2009

Benway Fionnbharr
Rear Admiral, Promotive Allocations
America, Inc


Dear Admiral Fionnbharr:

RE: Rocket Shoes

On March the 16th, I received from your Promotive Blitzkrieg General Cordwainery District Allocator a pair of your experimental Super Awesome You Love ‘Em Rocket Shoes™ as a gift for my years of loyal patronage to your fine company of curio fadistry. 

As a proper Tory, I feel it is my duty to inform you of some defects in your new product which I anticipate your great institution correcting posthaste.

Firstly, the shoes are heterodox.  They defy, almost mockingly, the American craftsmanship known well to me through mass communication.  An obsolescence seems inherently built into them, daring degradation and befouling the air wherever they fly.  They lurch and grouse intermittently, sometimes affixed to the foot and sometimes of their own accord, chewing and mawing, attempting to impart foreign ideals, prattling for hours on the distinction between rugby league and rugby union while impregnating the local maidens, my daughter included.  As prescribed in your technical manual, I did in fact recite Cartesian haiku while wearing the shoes, but to no effect.  Thy continued sputtering westward, unhipping my center violently. 

Disturbingly, connecting the USB cable to my computer led me to your recent personal dealings with Senator Turkford P. Waltreuse of North Virginia as well as Dr. Chang LaFleur of Elmont, New York.  As you well know, Dr. LaFleur is a degenerate gambler, literally residing in Belmont Park Raceway.  I have notified Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig to circumvent any potential malfeasant misremembrance which could lead to damage for your glorious institution.

Also, they only run for short bursts of maybe fifteen or twenty seconds, which can be cumbersome when one has gained a significant altitude (though I must admit the thrust capabilities of the rocket shoes are nothing short of extraordinary).  The internal mechanisms lock together and harden rapidly as well.  I would suggest for these to go back to what your founders practiced and employ lamp oil and whale oil respectively.  I see no reason why rocket shoes should operate any differently from eighteenth century street lamps.

Enclosed is a court order for child support and a photocopy of my junk.

Love,

William A Jackson
Comptroller of Main St.