The Ballad of Raymond

Once upon a time there lived a man named Raymond.  Raymond was born to commoners and orphaned at an early age when an evil wizard ran them over with a truck.  Through sheer ingenuity and courage, Raymond won for himself the rights of nobility and protected his fiefdom as the most celebrated of all knights. 

Throughout the ages, his legend was told and many followed his example and helped the unfortunate.  When Raymond had attained the age of sixteen years, another boy, whom he had never met, ate some bad calamari and was thrust through the eons to a land of sorcery and wonder.  There this boy, who was called Nezzlebaum, joined with others like-minded as he and banded together for the welfare of all Americakind. 
 
Tales of Raymond the Robust had grown mythic in the days of wonder and had been much influential in the banding together of this band of Future Knights.  One day the wisest of all the boy heroes devised a quest to draw young Raymond to their time for fellowship.  Fully and then more did these Future Knights initiate Raymond.  As playful jest, the heroes denied the young Raymond membership and he grew melancholy.  The heroes were about to reveal their ruse and accept young Raymond into their ranks in honorary capacity when Raymond’s sadness turned bitter and he fled their gathering enraged, swearing a blood oath of vengeance against the Future Knights, God, the Chicago Cubs, and all other representations of goodness and beneficence.
   
Returning to his home Age, the apostate Raymond briefly detoured to his infancy and slew his parents and sold Baby Raymond, pre-the-Robust, to a religious cult who believed sentient salts were nigh to fight a battle for mortal dominion.  Thusly he set himself upon the path of revenge and pure evil, the destruction of all structures non-predatory his black quest.  For many a year Raymond spread the cause of evil through the veil of philanthropy and kindness, jousting many a noble knight in his days and fixing many a sportsman's contest. 
   
Death, however, did nothing to halt his evil.  Having unseated the Lord of the Underworld, Raymond continues (in the presently future sense of narrative delivery for purposes obvious and opaque) his evil beyond his corporeal life, loosing a malevolence, second only to his own, upon the world of man again, as the previously sitting Satan walks now in the world of mortal men.  Well-learned politesse, my ass!

So, the Future Knights fucked up the timeline, the present, millions of family trees; they've thrown themselves so far into the negative column that their well-intentioned origins do not a net good make.  They stand as a selfless genesis to literally centuries of probationary goodwill and community service.  But still, none of that brings back innocent little Raymond or the TV show, Titus.  Does it!
 
The moral of the story is, don’t play douchey pranks on your friends.

Oh, and also, don’t fuck with the Space-time Continuum.

Idiots!